Hey all. This will be the last post I ever write on L2W. Please allow me to explain below, but first it’s necessary to begin with a complete recap of my past year. No details left out.
My Life (March 2017 – May 2018)
At the start of 2017, things were going really well for me. I was finally making some decent money with ecommerce, having a great time with my new girlfriend, and was just generally loving life in Thailand.
I had just moved into an awesome hotel overlooking the mountains in Chiang Mai, and one night I was just drinking some white wine on the balcony, reflecting on how much things had changed.
Just a few years prior I was at living at home, delivering pizza, and not knowing what the hell to do with my life.
I knew that I had put in a ton of hard work to get to where I was, but I still thought that this was all too good to be true. Unfortunately, as it turned out, I would end up being right.
Only a few weeks later, I ended up crashing my bike, which landed me in the hospital with some pretty bad cuts on my right leg.
I couldn’t really walk for a month, and I also started peeing about 20 times per day (I figured I must have got infected with bacteria from the road).
So I began taking antibiotics, and had to lay in bed all day from my injury. I had nothing else to do but to work more, and I quickly began to get addicted to the easy money.
I also started making videos on YouTube about my ecommerce success, and was getting more attention than I’d ever gotten in my whole life.
It felt good at first, but then, an ego developed. I thought that I was so special, and that people should be lucky to get advice from me.
I started treating people badly, and ended up ignoring a lot of requests for help, even from existing friends in Chiang Mai.
Meanwhile, I kept on peeing a ridiculous amount of times per day, and it was driving me insane.
I went to numerous doctors, and they all said that I was fine and that it was “all in my head”. Some gave me more antibiotics but they didn’t help at all.
After going to a specialist in the Philippines, he told me it looks like Candida, which is an overgrowth of yeast inside the body. So he gave me some anti-fungal medicine, and in three days, my frequent urination problem disappeared.
I was so relieved, and happily flew back to Thailand. However shortly after arriving, the constant peeing began again. Was this some kind of sick joke?
I took more anti-fungal medicine, but this time it didn’t work. I began to get extremely depressed.
Anyhow, ecommerce was slowing down as the summer approached, and I figured that it would just be a seasonal dip. I also had many requests to make a course on my method, as many other YouTubers were selling crap.
I didn’t really want to do it as I was always against gurus and their marketing tactics, but since I had nothing else to do and was too depressed to leave my bed, I figured why not.
This is when things really went south. Instead of taking care of my health problem, I was making YouTube videos and an ecommerce course that I didn’t even want to make. I was a slave to the attention.
In addition, I was getting really into conspiracy theories and investing in Bitcoin.
While I was relieved that I finally saw the truth about the world that I had always been searching for, it was an extremely depressing realization.
I had seen too much, and felt like Cypher wishing I could be put back into the Matrix and forget everything that I’d learned.
Then in September, I released my ecommerce course, and jumped back into the game myself. However, when I came back, Facebook Ads were no longer working as well as they used to.
Instead of it being a seasonal dip like I thought, Facebook had changed it’s algorithm to make it much more difficult to advertise products listed on Shopify from Aliexpress.
The reason they did this, was because a lot of greedy advertisers weren’t even shipping the items they were selling, and millions of customers were complaining to Facebook, thus making them look very bad.
Even though my course would’ve been really good at one point, it was no longer relevant after the Facebook algorithm change, and I felt like I let a lot of people down.
Now I was panicking. I had plenty of money already, but I was overspending and living way beyond my means. I was scared that I would end up broke and never be able to make money again.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I desperately needed someone to talk to. I thought that I could do it all on my own (man was I delusional).
And even if I did know it, I didn’t have any friends at the time. I had stopped talking to everyone since I started making money due to my stupid ego.
All I had was my girlfriend who could barely speak english, and she didn’t understand what was going on with me.
Then I caught a break (or so I thought), when Bitcoin and Crypto started mooning during the Holidays.
I made some more money, but I could’ve made millions if I knew what I was doing and knew how to trade correctly.
This kind of thinking made me even more depressed, and decided that I should start a crypto business to make up for my trading mistakes.
I met a developer and we had an app that was going well for awhile, until we had some creative differences and the project was halted.
Then, my Candida overgrowth began causing more problems, and I got violently ill with leaky gut when I took a trip up to Pai for New Years.
It was at this point that I realized how insane I had been all year. I was chasing money when I was already pretty well off, and I was completely ignoring my health and social life which was getting worse everyday.
Once I got back to Chiang Mai, I made a pact with myself to change my life around. No more chasing money, and no more isolating myself with my girlfriend. I needed to take care of my health, both mentally and physically.
I did some research online and found some highly recommended probiotics, enzymes, and anti-fungal herbal supplements. I ordered them all and counted down the days until they arrived.
After getting the package, I took all the supplements aggressively, and a week later my symptoms were gone again.
Finally I thought, all my problems were over.
Unfortunately however, there was still a deep emptiness inside of me.
I had been holed up in my room for so long, that I didn’t even know how to go outside and talk to people anymore.
One night I was so pissed at my vanished social skills, that I went over to 7-11 and bought some Vodka and Wine coolers and headed straight to Zoe In Yellow.
I hadn’t been out drinking in a year, and figured that it would be a good way to loosen up and be social again.
It was fun at first, but stupid me didn’t eat dinner that night, and I got absolutely hammered.
I ended up making out with some girl on the dance floor and immediately felt a weird taste in my mouth. I started spitting on the ground and took a tuk-tuk back home.
The next day I felt like death, and was once again, sick.
The doctor said I had picked up some rare strains of bacteria, and was given multiple rounds of antibiotics.
For a few weeks I was nauseas with no appetite, and became depressed again at my stupidity.
While the bad bacteria was finally killed, my Candida overgrowth reactivated, as I learned that antibiotics feed yeast in the body. Fucking hell.
Back to square one, I realized that just the supplements alone weren’t going to get rid of my Candida for good. I needed to also follow a strict diet, which meant no sugar, dairy or bread.
I had never been a day in my life without chocolate, so this was going to be very difficult, but absolutely necessary.
I decided that I needed to get out of Chiang Mai, as I had been there way too long, and wanted to get to a more tropical location to begin my healing regimen.
At first I went to Phuket which was nice, but it didn’t really have the atmosphere that I needed.
Then Koh Phangan kept popping into my head, with it being a more spiritual healthy place, so I packed my things and arrived on the island the next day.
Since I’ve been on the island, I’ve finally started to make some good progress on my health and mental well-being.
I met some really nice people who helped me with a 3 day juice fast, as well as a Shanka Cleanse.
The fast was great, and on the third day with zero energy left, I was laying down on the beach and started to get really emotional.
I was completely honest with myself for the first time in my life, and I managed to see the real reasons that caused my downward spiral.
At first I thought I was just unlucky, and then I thought that I deserved all the misfortune for the way I acted all year. These are both probably true, but now I could finally see the root cause of my demise.
Throughout my whole life, I had always been on my own. My parents were divorced since I could remember, and switching houses every few days was considered normal to me.
I never had a real family, and I never had any support or guidance from either side. My dad was more like a friend, and my mom remarried and I became the middle child of a very strict household.
I felt like a volleyball being passed around between two different extreme styles of living, and I hated every minute of it.
I just wanted to escape with TV and video games and forget my real life that was unfolding all around me.
This caused me to be very shy and antisocial as I grew up, which as you could imagine, did not bode too well for me in school. I always had few friends, and absolutely nothing going on with girls.
I was full of resentment to everyone else who seemed like they knew what they were doing.
I realize now, that this past year was me saying fuck you to everyone who had wronged me.
I wanted to make everyone jealous that I was making money online, and living the good life in Thailand. I wanted to use that as revenge for my very difficult upbringing. I wanted to prove to everyone that they were wrong about me.
But where did that get me?
It was just another coping mechanism to mask my pain, and as it turns out, the universe doesn’t want me to repress my past anymore.
I feel like everything that has happened this year has happened for a reason, allowing me to wake up and face my problems head on instead of pretending they don’t exist.
For years I have been using the internet, money, and girls to isolate myself, the same exact way that I used to use TV and video games when I was a kid.
Instead, it’s crucial for me to focus on health and friendship, two areas that I can now see are the most important in life, and areas that I’ve never once taken seriously.
I’ve never been truly happy for any extended period of time, because I was searching for it in all the wrong places. And all that pain and resentment I was carrying, made it certain that I wasn’t going to find it.
But I have now realized that I don’t have to carry it. I can simply let it all go.
For anyone who has ever wronged me, either for real or in my mind, I forgive you. And for everyone who I have wronged, I am deeply sorry.
I have been through some very dark moments in my life, and I can’t possibly wish anyone else to experience the same.
On a completely different note, my YouTube channel was terminated on my 25th birthday.
I had been getting some of my Kratom videos shut down for “dangerous content”, and I knew that my channel would eventually be taken with it.
I could’ve stopped it by deleting my Kratom videos, but I simply didn’t want it anymore.
I never even wanted to make videos, I just thought that I had to due to the fact that no-one was reading blogs anymore.
And then when I started making them, all the attention grew my ego to ridiculous and unwarranted levels. YouTube did nothing good for me, and I was glad to see it go.
I also find it quite ironic that it was terminated on my 25th birthday. My inner child died that day, and I am now ready to leave my past behind me and become a well functioning, responsible adult.
What’s Next For Me
This blog has done so much for me, and I am so glad that I got share my experiences and help others for the past few years.
It has taught me so many great lessons about business, psychology, and the human condition, and I am forever grateful that it guided me through my confusing college years.
However, all good things must come to an end.
I feel like I have shared everything that I have to offer, and I don’t want to force anything when I don’t have any fresh content to produce.
I also have a lot of work to do on myself in terms of my health and relationships, and spending time online would not be conducive to that.
Lastly, my heart is just not in it anymore. I want to go out and explore other new ventures, and it’s time to move on from this chapter in my life.
For the short term, I am planning on going home to Connecticut, as it’s been almost 2 years since I’ve been back. I think it will be good to go see some old friends and repair relationships.
I am going to be primarily focusing on my health with proper diet and supplementation, while also following a pretty intense training schedule to improve my Muay Thai and general fitness.
I recently began learning the sport, and I’ve really been enjoying it. I’ve never been good at any sort of physical activity, and I’m not okay with that anymore. Now I have a good reason to get in shape, as I would like to start fighting in the future.
In terms of business, I’m going to be taking a much needed break. The only thing I will be doing for money is trading crypto, just to give me some cash flow to cover my expenses.
Eventually, after I feel like my life is in order, I will slowly dip my feet back in the shark tank. Only this time, I will only be working on projects that I truly care about. As I have learned, making money just to make money is not fulfilling at all.
I know I have a purpose in life to do something great, I just have to find it. I don’t know where or when, but you will see me again.
I want to end this post by saying thank you to everyone who has helped and supported me on my journey. Anyone who has ever left a comment, emailed me, or has just been a reader, I really truly appreciate it. I wouldn’t have learned anything if it weren’t for you.
And most importantly, none of this would have been possible without the great work and generosity of Chris Deoudes.
Stumbling across Good Looking Loser back in 2013 was single handedly the biggest turning point in my life. The impact it had on me was immense, as he gave me the knowledge and direction to start looking out for myself and to carve my own path.
As I did back then, it’s time for me to get back into hardcore self-improvement mode.
Thank you for reading, and I wish us all to have a happy and fulfilling life – Brian